Blood has become like water

The following is a video showing the life today for some of the people living in Aleppo, Syria. It's upsetting, so pick the right time, but it is worth watching.

http://www.channel4.com/news/syrias-descent-the-agony-of-aleppos-children

Imagine....

Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today...

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

The point of no return

The point of no return

has snuck up upon me,

without my watching,

without my knowledge.

The point of no return has come so quickly,

I did not see it walking behind me,

each night,

stalking our laughter,

my sleep,

which I mistook as a beautiful dream,

only now to be woken to the harsh reality

of a world I didn't see myself in,

of a world I'm not sure I want.

The point of no return is upon me,

nothing will be the same,

the nights can not return as they where before

and everything has been changed.

Here we go again

Earlier this month the BBC visited us to do a recording and reportage on our project, below is the link for the first of the media to follow their visit.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-18118527

There are 2 TV broadcasts to go with this, so if you're interested, keep your eyes on the BBC website, the first  broadcast goes to air in London tonight..

This too shall pass....

When it comes to love, I'm not one of these people that does things in halves.. For me you're in or your out.. Yes sometimes this means I am incredibly impulsive, it means I make poor decisions and disregard all sensibility coming from the right side of my brain, it means passing my happiness for someone else's, or biting my tongue when I really want to scream, it means forgetting for a while the lessons I've learnt from the mistakes I've made before, dropping everything I've dreamed of, for someone who has not been in my life long enough to be worthy of such a privilege, but this is me - flawed!! I wouldn't change it though, I would hate a life without such intense feelings, such intense moments.

I'm finding though, that as I continue on this new found path, this part of me changes. It used to be a problem as it lead to poor choices with boyfriends, or poor choices because of boyfriends, or poor choices about boyfriends (I think you get my point). Whilst now, (hopefully with more sensibility) the problem with this is, that I find it so hard to let go of all that I've left behind...

It's so illogical because this is now, a regular, conscious decision that I make. Ok, maybe not the first time I moved overseas but now, each time I go on mission, I know what's going to happen. When I go home something will have changed. It's only the small things and it's not the same each time, but there is always something... Maybe new people I don't know in the mix, in the conversation, new relationships,  different relationships.. I've missed out on silly moments, or dinners and Christmases and babies and engagement and weddings... And whilst it's always there to come back to, and whilst everyone wants to tell you that nothing really changes and that those that you love will be there, sometimes it's not the case, sometimes the underlying things just become different. It's subtle, it's unintentional, but time has come and it's changed it.. And whilst that time has brought so many beautiful and amazing things, for the part of your life you want to wrap and on which you want to hit pause, you can't. Your comfort in knowing it's all the same is not there anymore. Part of the world has changed.

Maybe it's a product of time, of distance, of growing older, of growing up... I guess it's just a product of life, and who knows, maybe those things would change even if you lived your life exactly as you did before. By the side of your friends, your family, spending weekends together, being apart of the things that you don't want to give up, that you don't want to miss out on...

For many many months now, I've been reading this book by Osho, it's a spiritual book about love, happiness, aloneness etc. He, like so many other spiritual teachers, talks of our aloneness in the world. He differentiates between aloneness and loneliness and for him, aloneless is wonderful. Only by being non-dependent can we find the way to true enlightenment and happiness. And I get it, I do. I've been in bad relationships that you don't want to leave because you're dependent on the other person, but what about the other relationships, what about the family and the friendships that shape you into who you are. This big part of me, the part that loves in the full and hates the thought of any sort of change to some of my most fundamental relationships, just really hates the thought of this... I hate the thought that the people that you love so much aren't to be in your life for ever, that with time things change, relationships change and people move on, or know you less, or drift in another direction or are distracted and taken by time..

So, even as someone who embraces change as though it is the breathe of life, I must say, as I'm starting to believe that there is truth in it, I can't stand the thought that when it comes to the people we love, that the teachers are right, that nothing is permanent, that despite standing together we stand firstly alone and that even for those we cherish the most that one day "this too shall pass" ............

Life is beautiful, well at least for me...

The last 6 weeks have gone so quick I haven't had time to update you all on my adventures....

Christmas was spent in Amman, a wonderful Christmas Eve dinner with Turkey and red wine with the few colleagues left in Amman for the break. Christmas day I spent cooking and preparing the house for the visitors before I got terribly ill and had to leave the visitors to amuse themselves whilst I slept.....

Only a few days later Sarah, one of my best friends, who I not only met but lived with during my time in London, came for a 10 day holiday that saw us trekking all over Jordan - to Wadi Rum, Petra, the Dead Sea, Madaba and a few wild nights of parties and wine in Amman... We spent the New Years Eve in Petra, which is a place I have wanted to see for quite a long time now.. And it's quite amazing. Plenty of walks to do  through this 'old city', loads of carvings into the rocks, little bedouin children running around. Way too many people trying to convince you to take a donkey or a horse down the long sique or up the path that leads to the monastery, but I guess it's all part of it... It was much nicer on the third day, after we'd made friends with some of the locals, it meant we didn't get hassled by everyone else for the postcards or the donkeys or the horses...

Having Sarah here was awesome. I think it's not often that my loved ones living a 'normal life' get a peak into what this life is all about, and whilst contextually, this can be said to be an incredibly easy mission, it's still cool for my people from home to know the people that I now spend my time with and to see me here... In a completely different context to before..... I'll have this joy again when Mum and Grambs visit in April.....

The visit of Sarah was followed by a week of wrapping everything up before returning to Australia for a 2 week holiday of family and friends. The engagement of one of my best friend (congrats again Cam and Loz) the wedding of my step-brother and my new sister and another engagement of  my cousin (I think I'm missing a trend here)!!

Home was wonderful as always.. Having spent more and more time in other places, every time I go back to Sydney I am blown away by the beauty of it.. The ocean, the colours, the beaches, the food, the nature!! It's just an incredible place. The fact that the majority of my loved ones are all cramped within a couple of hundred kilometers of each other, probably adds to this beauty...

To float between such a country and a job that I love, a family that is so close, so special whilst simultaneously seriously flawed and quirky and honest and silly and with a group of friends that could rival the best in the world, that I wouldn't trade for anything - who make me consider coming home so I get to share their joys and watch their kids grow up and celebrate their moments... I'm sure not everyone gets to be this blessed... But I do count them though, the blessings that is...

And so now, the return to Amman.. Last week was hard but this week was better... We're still planning for an increase in our activities, but honestly, this is already well underway - ready or not...!

Everyday the news makes some further point about Iraq and Syria and I can only hope that the situations don't turn as bad as what we can foresee. I hope by some small chance, some small miracle that the tide will turn in a different direction and that an increase in our activities won't be needed. It's a small, ridiculous hope,  but who says that our wishes have to be realistic, it's not really their point I guess...

And whilst I know that life really is beautiful, for me, it's not the same for everyone, and so I say a little prayer for those who are across a border, so very close, but living a completely different life, of horrendous ugliness at this moment.. May your tide turn!!

The stories & the faces behind war

http://www.jbrussellimages.com/#/projects/iraqi-victims-of-violence

Thanks for sharing with us Jeff....

It's about time I wrote a blog...

Because really a lot has happened..

In November I took the wise decision to make a fleeting trip back to Australia in order to celebrate the 70th birthday of my only Grandfather.. After months of thinking that this trip wasn't possible for various reasons, I finally bit the bullet, so to speak, and booked a ticket to spend 4 days back in Sydney with those that I love.. Quite possibly the best money that I've ever spent...

The birthday party of my Grandfather had lots of family and lots of old friends that he'd grown up with in Ceylon who are now living in all different parts of Australia, and others, like me, who inhabit different parts of the world...

Despite being short, it was well worth it. The 3 or 4 days that I spent there, were with those I love - eating seafood, drinking good beer, laughing!

The timing for the trip was perfect as one of my oldest and best friends gave birth to a beautiful baby girl whilst I was back. I was fortunate enough to meet this little treasure who makes the second child in a wonderful family of a brave and courageous friend who shines in motherhood and just absolutely amazes me...

It's not long now and I'll be back in Aus again... 2 weeks is much more reasonable and I try not to, but I'm counting down the days until sun and sleep and cuddles..

I can't say it feels too much like Christmas this year.. There is tinsle in my house, a present or two under the make shift tree and there are even some real Christmas trees that can be seen whilst sneaking your eyes to the windows of others houses, but it just doesn't quite feel like it.. I was hoping for some snow but I don't think I will be so lucky... We've got a Christmas eve dinner and on Christmas Day a few people will join at my house for my attempt at mulled wine, some Christmas carols and some company... But to be honest,  I'm happy for the rest, some time to catch up on sleep and some work outside the office....

Since coming back from Aus it's been quite busy... Budgets for 2012 and with the potential move to a new hospital and definitely an expansion of our activities it's been no easy feat! I also traveled to Erbil in Kurdistan, for a meeting with our Iraqi Doctors that was both productive and hilarious....

The Iraqi's are not as I expected.. The group of men that are working with us had me and Cindy in fits of laughter daily, unintentionally I am sure.. And not only this, we're talking about a group of people that live in one of the most dangerous countries in the world. These men still manage to be gentleman - more so than the Jordanians, and they tell stories and they laugh, the fact that they get up each day and face the world is a triumph within itself.. They work with MSF in risk of their own lives to do something to help the people of their country.. It breaks my heart this morning when in the office we discover the serious of bombs that have been let off in Baghdad, the number of casualties, the number injured...  for what? I wish I knew....

It's the second time in one month that I have tears for this country and their people... Today I hold them back well... The last time they came whilst doing a field visit, whilst talking to one of our staff and listening to his life, as to why he won't be a refugee, as to why he stays in Iraq. I listen to this over a shisha and a cup of tea and it's not until I'm back in the safety of our house that I can let out the rock that's built in my throat at the injustice and the bullshit within this world...

There's so many days now that I don't feel like I'm doing what I wanted.. That I'm not sure that this makes a difference, that I resent counting numbers and solving problems and being tired... But all it takes is one minute, the words of someone else or the amazed look on their face when I tell them what we do, a flash on the news about another bomb blast, about another group of people killed, all it takes is one minute for me to slap myself silly and realise I am exactly where I should be......

I saw my first surgery for this project the other day.. 6 months, yes, it's quite a long time, but it's gone too quickly.... I watched one of our surgeons take a piece of rib and turn it into a nose... Gruesome but absolutely fascinating. It's moments like this that remind me how utterly amazing that this program is.... Sitting in the coordination team it's easy to forget, but looking at our patients, well it should be a mandatory, daily activity.. Not only to provide vast inspiration but also to make you thank god (and I'm not even sure I'm  a believer) for how damn lucky we are....

If only it were easier to remember this all the time.....

I think it's enough from me today.... So to all those that I love, that are both far away and that are close, may your Christmas be just wonderful, filled with family and smiles and love..... And may you have the same thing the new year long.... 

Turkey, I love you.....

Whilst it feels like a long distance memory now, my holiday in Turkey at the beginning of September was just incredible. This country must be one of my favourites! A great mix of history, beauty, culture, all blended together creating something European, Asian and Middle Eastern.

I flew in to Istanbul, where I spent 2 nights in a wonderful little B&B, called Turkoman (highly recommended for anyone travelling in Istanbul). It’s in Sultanahmet, which is the old city and has this incredible terrace where you enjoy breakfast, or an afternoon beer, overlooking the Blue Mosque.

I spent 2 days discovering some of what Istanbul has to offer. The Blue Mosque, Aya Sofia, Topkapi Palace and it’s amazing Haram, a boat ride on the Bospherous, seafood (fresh!!!!), the Spice Market and the Grand Bazaar and a dinner in the more trendy, newer part of town that is Istiklal Clad.. 2 days for Istanbul though is simply not enough. Actually a week for Turkey is not even close but it was a great break and I plan to go back and spend a month in this amazing country at the end of my mission. After my second day of sightseeing I had already run out of adjectives, I let my pictures describe it for you better.

The Blue Mosque, Istanbul.
I got up early early to take in the sights before the crowds

After this I caught a flight to Antalya and a bus down to Olympos to meet the lovely Sophie and Ben.. We spent 2 nights in a treehouse, drinking Corona, eating great vege food, swimming in the ocean and exploring a little bit in the bush (ending up lost of course at one stage), before departing Olympos for a 3 night 4 day cruise along the Mediterranean Sea. Soph had heard about this boat trip with Al Turka from a friend a few years ago, and my oh my was it wonderful... The food is incredible, every morning you wake up after sleeping on the deck under the stars and jump into the water as your morning shower whilst someone prepares breakfast for you. The boat docks at various places along the coast for exploring ruins, little towns of the Turkish coast and shopping!

Me, Ben & Sophie, taking our usual seat up the front in the sun.

Rocking the side pony before 'disco island'.....

Soph and I tried some water sports one day, screaming with laughter before a dead arm for nearly a 24 hour period.. There was many a game of backgammon and bullshit and quite a few Turkish beers and mojito’s.

The boat trip finishes in Fethiye and I got to spend one extra night with them there, before heading back to Amman.. Lobster, champagne and fresh prawns made me want to give up my job with MSF and continue with these 2 free spirits on their trip around the world.. There’s something to be said for the happiness that this freedom brings and the excitement of each day.. I only hope that one day I’m lucky enough to find a significant other with which I have such a wonderful connection and can explore the way that the two of them are doing now...

The morning rays over Butterfly Island
Quite a wonderful view to wake up to

Exploring St. Nicholas Island

Since coming back from Turkey work has been incredibly busy. I wonder why I was complaining about the boredom when now it’s quite the opposite.. Once again I have a flatmate though and someone to share the workload with, Cindy is her name and we already know each other as we did our training together in New York, back before departing for our first missions.

The time is really flying with the work being so busy, I can’t believe it’s the mid of October already. We have the second Eid coming up early next month and we’ve begun to discuss a few days in Lebanon, whilst my credit card is having a negative reaction, my mind is screaming at the excited and for some more exploration.

I started a course at the French School last week, this takes up 2 nights a week until the end of December. So hopefully by then I’ll be somewhat bi-lingual. 

What are we so afraid of?

My love of words by the Lebanese poet/author Khalil Gibran should come as no surprise to those of you who know me well.. One day, maybe, his most inspirational words will be inked on my body as a constant reminder as to what I believe in.

For the meantime, I was quite interested to wake up the other morning and find on Aljazeera a documentary that talks about the opening of a school in Brooklyn, NYC, known as the KGIA – Khalil Gibran International Academy. I guess I’m not the only one to be inspired by the beautiful words and the ‘oneness’ that this man once wrote of.

The documentary (Intifada, NYC) follows the opening of this controversial school, the main groups, both for and against its conception and the ultimate dismissal of its principle, whose lifelong dream was to open such a school where both Arabs and Non-Arabs would be educated together as part of promoting a better understanding and coexistence between two, sometimes different, societies who perhaps do not always understand one another so well.

This documentary added to lately unshakable thoughts about how well we really understand each other as human beings and what on earth we are so afraid of when it comes to other cultures and the perceived threat that they represent to our identity and to ‘our nation’.

Watching ‘Go back to where you came from’ the other week and seeing so clearly the thoughts of some seriously ignorant people, not only made me cringe at being Australian (for some parts) but really got me questioning the understanding that some people have regarding the reality of the world outside their own and also their ability to think that we are so different to one another?

Isn’t it only chance that we’re born where we are? That some of us have access to everything that we need, whilst others have nothing. That instead of getting taken to a place of love, that they enter a world with a high likelihood of death? And even if they surpass the odds and survive, that their whole life will be a constant struggle for food, for freedom, against rape, for happiness.

So what I can’t help questioning lately, is what is it exactly that makes us so frightened about sharing ‘our world’ (yes ‘your’ country, that you live in - by chance, by the way)? Is it just of the unknown? Why are we so reluctant to open our doors to people of difference? Is it because it’s much easier to label them as queue jumpers and terrorists and to dissolve ourselves of ‘their’ problems?

Aren’t we them too?

Isn’t the world interconnected, aren’t we all one?

I keep wondering what would happen if it was mandatory to study the religions of the world and to visit the countries with nothing. To live with the people who are born at the same moment as us somewhere else, to poke our heads in the refugee camps, see the outcomes and the effects of the war in their country. The destroyed buildings, the humiliation, the end of hope, the almost acceptance of a life that they do not deserve, that no one deserves.

Do you think we would be different? Do you think that maybe we would be more inclined to open our eyes and our hearts? Do you think we would be able to see the ‘oneness’ of all of us as we spent time with the ‘other’?

Maybe we would be able to break down borders, they’re only mad made anyway. Maybe we would be able to embrace our differences, to learn things from each other. To stop dropping bombs on one another or selling arms, creating destruction and to instead create beauty. To open our minds to believe and understand more than what we hear on the news. To share our wealth and our happiness, to stop searching for something to feed our souls, to stop killing ourselves at the age of 16 because we don’t know what life is and how to live, how to be happy. Maybe all people would be free, no children dying from starvation, from sickness or from the drones driven behind the shelter of another country (you don’t want to get me started on the drones......), maybe this work wouldn’t be needed, because we’d all be looking after one another. As though we are all one, not divided and disengaged by our culture or the god we pray to or the way our skin looks.

Maybe, just maybe.. Anything is possible!

Whilst you might think that my maybes above are ignorant, misguided, full of faults, unrealistic, this is fine, they’re only MY maybes. But, this is OUR world, is it what you hoped it to be?

Khalil Gibran said; Faith is an oasis in the heart that will never be reached by the caravan of thinking

Part of my faith is that things can be better. That we can treat each other better, kinder and that true love, the only thing worth really living for, can surround us...

You know you're a humanitarian worker when....

Yestarday a colleague of mine passed on a link to another MSF blogger who had found and translated a very funny passage about the life of a humanitarian worker...

For those of you in the field, I am sure you will get a good laugh out of this (I did). For those of you not in the field, I hope this gives you a somewhat lighthearted, funny insight a little more into the arena..

The following is translated from a French Facebook entry, with one or two phrases added by Tonton Ed, which has then been copied by me for inclusion. So no, these are not my original words - I only wish I could be so funny!

You know that you are a humanitarian worker when:

• Unlike your friends who have normal lives, you don’t have a wife/husband, children, or house, and when you return home, you sleep in your parent’s place.
• You have a university degree, you manage a team of at least 10 people and a multi-million dollar budget in a civil war situation, but you earn a minimum wage.
• You earn a minimum wage, but you have a cook, a house keeper and a chauffeur 24 hours a day.
• You enjoy sending verbal missiles at your colleagues from other non-governmental organizations.
• For you, Save the Children is called Save the Chicken, World Vision is World Illusion, and MSF is MFS (pronounce emefess – in french Et Mes Fesses - translates to: And My Ass!)
• You don’t like people from the United Nations, but once you have a beer in your hand, all white guys (Mzungus/Kwajas) are your friends, especially when the presence of females (or males) is limited.
• You are always criticizing the United Nations, but secretly, you would love to work for them to triple your salary.
• When you return home, your friends and family all ask the same question, “So how was it?” hoping that you can summarize 1 year of mission in 3 minutes, because after 3 minutes, they are no longer with you.
• You tell your acquaintances that you work in the humanitarian field, and they respond “Ok but what’s your job?”
• Upon returning home and looking for work at the unemployment office, you put in a listing under “southern coordination” and you explain to the work counsellor that he/she would be better off not wasting a lot of time on you. Anyway, you don’t fit into any of their categories!
• When you return home, you love making the round of your friends, but when you realize what their every-day lives are like, you wish to return quickly on mission.
• You really laugh when young street marketers stop you in the street and ask you “Have you ever heard of Action Against Hunger?”
• You would love to work in Latin America or Asia, but you always find yourself in Chad, Democratic Republic of Congo, or Sudan.
• You understand mysterious phrases such as:
o The watsan always sends his sitrep to the HoM before leaving on R&R. (The water/sanitation guy always sends his situation report to the head of mission before leaving on break.)
o The nut and food sec want to use Plumpy Nut to combat kwash in under-5s in MdM’s CNT. (The nutrition and food security group want to use Plumpy Nut (a weight-gain product) to combat kwashorkors (one type of malnutrition) in children under 5 years of age in Médecins du Monde’s (Doctors of the World) therapeutic nutrition center.)
o The logs at Sol are working on NFI kits and shelters for the DAH proposal in RDC. (The logisticians at Solidarity are working on non-food item kits and shelters for the DAH proposal in the Democratic Republic of Congo.)
o Kilo Juliette for November Yankee, the situation is Oscar Kilo. (Kiwanja project (KJ) calling Nyanzale project (NY), the situation is OK.)
• The weekend, either you work, or you recuperate from an over-alcoholised Friday night.
• You shave at most 2 times a week and you have forgotten how to tie a tie.
• You always have a VHF radio and 3 different telephone chips with you.
• After having destroyed 3 blackberrys in six months, you buy a Nokia at $20 …. with the little flashlight on top and the black and white screen… which lasts 2 years.
• You have an IBM Lenovo laptop; ugly but indestructible.
• You have an external disc drive full of films, television series, music and nothing pertaining to work.
• You know that Relief Web is not a geographical site.
• For you, malaria is just a bad flue that everyone passes around.
• Nutella and/or Jiffy peanut butter become luxury items that you would do anything to have, at any price.
• A reinforced Toyota Landcruiser is what you call a car.
• A 30 hour bus trip (including a Jackie Chan film) on non-existent roads seems as normal to you as a New York – Washington plane shuttle does to others.
• You hop on a plane like others get into their cars.
• Entire villages in Africa call you by your first name, but you don’t even know the name of the person who lives across from you at home.
• All your friends are called Kasereka or Abdoul.
• Seeing men armed to their teeth on every street corner seems completely normal.
• You watch the news on TV and tell yourself that you have a job for life.

A short update on ME!

Waiting for:
World Peace, Prince Charming and the inspiration to write you a decent blog about something more than my weekend travels!

Reading:
Aranduti Roy – The God of Small Things (Yes, again... Beautiful writing)
OSHO - Love, Freedom, Aloneness (thanks Ines, and to the lovely girl I met on the bus to Aqaba who gave me her book – yep, just like that!)
Geoff Simmons – They destroyed Iraq and called it freedom (light bedtime reading!)

Planning:
A trip to purchase a few goods today, a trip to do some project stuff next week, a holiday to meet the lovely Sophie and Ben in Turkey next month!

Wondering:
What it is about difference that makes us feel so afraid and so threatened...?

Watching (although not anymore):
Black Swan (quite brilliant)

Thinking (about):
A quote by Khalil Gibran
The universe is my country and the human family my tribe

It's not all work...

Believe it or not, but last weekend I was actually camping under the stars in the desert...

There are no words to describe this, other than utterly amazing...

Last Friday and Saturday we spent our time seeing different places and learning more about a life with some things so different to ours, and some so much the same. We were so warmly welcomed and so well looked after - and this by people that we hardly know.. Really it's something very special...

On the Friday night we camped in Wadi Araba after driving around all afternoon... We watched the sun set over the sand dunes and had a great dinner cooked for us. I'm sure that this is one of the most remote place I have ever been. And the stars - well not even South Sudan could compete with them. On Saturday we went exploring in other places before returning back to Amman on Saturday evening.

Below are a few pictures from this wonderful weekend..




The Desert.......



Karine and I, heading home after our weekend away!


Over the last few weeks we've managed to see many places... We went to the Jerash festival & to the Dead Sea a few weeks before this..


Sun setting on the Dead Sea with the hills of Palestine in the back..




A concert in the small ampitheatre at the Jerash festival the week before last..



Some of the ruins at Jerash.

Last week we had a visit...

From a photojournalist - Spencer Platt.. Apparently he's collaborated with MSF for quite some years now but this was his first visit to our project in Amman.

I remember seeing one of his photos at The World Press Photography exhibition (my favorite), in 2006 when he was awarded photo of the year for a picture taken in Beirut following the targetting of Israel against Hezbollah.

Needless to say I was excited that he was coming to see our project in Amman.

See below for links to an interview blog and also the getty images link which contains more pictures.

Whilst they are sad they capture our patients in a true light and should be good in helping you to understand further what we are doing here. Also the consequences of war and the sometimes life of the people living in Iraq today..

http://photoblog.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/07/29/7196565-rehabilitating-victims-of-iraq-violence

http://www.gettyimages.co.uk/Search/Search.aspx?EventId=120070773&EditorialProduct=News

Since arriving in Amman.....

I have laughed, I have cried. I have eaten many sweets, mostly the pastry & pastichio kind that is home to the Middle East. I have missed my friends, my family, simultaneously I have made new ones. I have parted from a boyfriend, a friend, opening up another unknown path, more limitless life options, a blank canvas on which I am to paint. I’ve given thanks for the beauty that was Aweil. I have regretted my decision and I have accepted it. Cursed my circumstances and embraced them. I’ve been surprised by Amman, and by its people. I’ve watched the sun set over the hills of Palestine whilst visiting the Dead Sea. I’ve found both comfort and frustration in yoga and meditation, and somehow the motivation to join a gym! I’ve eaten falafel, but not half as much as I imagined, tasted the best pistachio ice-cream one can imagine, enjoyed some Jordanian wine (and not enjoyed some Jordanian wine). I’ve noticed the difference between working in the field and the coordination. I’ve seen children who barely have a face, and men who have no legs. I’ve heard the joy of our medical staff at the miracles their work performs, and I’ve realised that some things – both good and bad – eventually have to be accepted. I’ve gotten sunburt and peeled, wrapped myself under a blanket in the forest of Ajlun. I’ve put your faces on my wall, and the words that I believe in on my wood, I’ve watched my prayer flags sway with the breeze through my room whilst laying on my bed unable to sleep. I’ve slowly started to learn what’s expected from me in my new role and I’ve gotten over excited at the small achievements. I’ve taken one more small step and I’ve gladly learnt that some of those close to my heart have gained greater appreciation and acceptance at my choice.

So what exactly am I doing here......?

I know this is the question that some of you ask, so let me tell you a little bit about the project.

As you know, this time around I am not linked to the field. I’m working in the coordination team which is the group that overseas and supports all the fields that are within the country(ies).. So I am based in Amman, and by chance so is the main project. This is good! It makes it easier to visit the field on a regular basis and for me an important part of this work is feeling linked somehow to the people and to see the difference that we are making, it keeps my inspiration levels up. In the coordination team, on a daily basis you are not so linked to the patients themselves, rather the overall running, objectives, planning and management of the project more broadly.. Sooo, being able to easily visit the field is a big plus for me...

In Amman we are linked with a hospital and this is where most of our activities are taking place. The patients are identified in Iraq, the files sent for review and from here they go through a validation process to make sure that they meet our criteria. Once they are validated the process begins for getting them a visa and getting them to Amman. Once arriving in Amman they are located either at our hospital or in the hotel that we rent.

You see the project here is quite unique, with the patients sometimes staying for a rather extended period. Our allocation of beds in the hospital is only small so we rent a hotel for the patients to stay in, either when they are recovering from surgery and still going to the OPD (Out Patient Department) for follow up, or in between surgeries (depending on their specific issue, during each visit one person can have multiple surgeries, and they can then go back to their country of origin (usually Iraq) and come back to Amman multiple times also).

So it is certainly not a quick process and people are sometimes in the program for over a year, possibly more..

Most of our patients are victims of conflict from the war or the everyday life as it currently is in Iraq. A large percentage are men, but there is also always a presence of women and of children.. Seeing the children in the state that they are sometimes in is for me, personally, the saddest thing. The wounds that they have should be from no actions of their own, rather the consequences of chance and of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Consequences that will, regardless of the justice in it, haunt them for the rest of their lives.

Given Amman is such a safe and friendly destination many of the expats here are with their families. That means to begin with I had a 3 bedroom apartment for my little self, but these days I share with a great and super experienced French girl, and we’ve just said goodbye to a crazy and heartwarming Spanish Pharmacist! The team in the coordination is quite young and although they have families, which limits their weekend availability, we enjoy each others company and have limitless options for weekend fun as there are so many places to go in Jordan, plus we actually get 2 days off here, so there is a bit more time to explore.

Having said all this, Amman certainly isn’t the same as the afternoons and evenings under the mango tree in South Sudan, drinking Kenyan beers and eating macadamia’s. I guess the first time is always special, and I think, despite its difficulties, it will be hard to match the experience that I had in South Sudan, the Aweil survive team will be very hard to beat, comfortingly I’m not the only one to feel this!!

So, as you can tell, I have again decided to keep a blog! Enjoy the reading of my experiences and my random thoughts on life!

And remember, daily, how lucky we are, with not only the opportunities that are presented for us but for some of the consequences that, by chance, we don’t have to face!!

Goodbye to Sudan

Today, somehow I am different.
After months of being filled
with all you have thrown to me.
And whilst I can't tell you
what has changed,
I feel it's almost everything,
yet somehow nothing.
Whilst I wonder what
is for the road ahead,
I fear that with my departure
will be the end of all the contentness,
your country, and my time here
has filled.
Under your mango trees,
upon your dusty roads,
next to the smiles and the hands
of your children
I have found in myself something
which has always been missing,
something so eternally unfound.
And whilst I watch my last sunsets,
with the light that they bring,
I smile for your moments,
your friendships
your memories.
And I wish for your independence,
your peace
your freedom, and
that which you have given to me.

Another day in South Sudan.....

The time is really flying since I got back from holidays.. In theory I should be leaving kinda now, but with my extension I’ll be here til next month, or maybe even through part of Feb… I’m not sure how I feel about it.. Well I do know how I feel, I’m not ready to go, that’s for sure.

I really feel that I’ve made friends here now, that I know my job, that I work well with my team, that the staff trust me for the most part and that they talk to me now.. Like we’re making some progress and not rehashing the same thing all the time.. For this part, departing will be hard.. Just as you settle in, just as you find your feet it’s time to say goodbye to your colleagues, to your friends and to the place you now call home…

Having said that, the last few weeks have been busy, tough, but somewhat rewarding as well.. Registration has closed and the referendum is looming upon us.. It’s an exciting time to be here and for the most part it seems to have gone smoother than expected.. There’s bombings in the North part of South Sudan, it’s kinda political and not so appropriate to write about in here.. One day I hear the international media say nothing then the next I hear the NY Times has the referendum splashed over it’s front page… Either way, you can know that I’m still safe and that you needn’t worry!!!

We’re planning to throw a Christmas party for the national staff next week.. It should be great. We had a party a few months back where we bought a cow, had a ‘slaughter’ committee, the ladies cooked all day, everyone danced… It was great (well except for the cow head sitting outside the office with its horns still attached in a mini pool of blood, but it’s part of the cultural experience and nice to get an idea of life here)…

Speaking of cultural experiences, on my return from Juba I had my first party invitation waiting for me on my desk.. One of our Congalese midwives was heading back home and invited a few of us to celebrate at her farewell… It’s one of the most touching things I’ve been to.. It’s my first more traditional or local party as well.. I was super chuffed!! They cooked an amazing meal and there was some of my favorite staff from the hospital.. For the farewell they go around the circle and everyone says something – literally everyone! It’s super sweet.. So we all said out bit for our Midwife and wished her luck.. Sitting there in darkness, under the stars, listening to these people who just have the whole thing about life sometimes so correct, so metaphorical, it’s like listening to poetry.. All very fatalistic, all very ‘only god knows’ and all VERY VERY beautiful… We’re missing this in our culture.. They’re not afraid to say how they feel, they don’t feel like they need to know the answer to everything.. As we say goodbye most of them say, chances are we’ll never see you again, but good people come in and out of your life and they give thanks for this… For the time that they’ve got to spend together and they don’t wallow over what is now the sad departure. I guess, with many of the things people in this country (and the surrounding countries) have been through they just realize that life has to go on..

It’s the same for another of our staff whom I really like.. She doesn’t speak English and I speak very little Dinka but we really like each other.. We communicate somehow and we laugh together every day.. She calls me Nyunkai, which means sister and she hugs me.. So when she mentions briefly to one of my team something about her life, which Mary translates, I start crying in the office.. She has no money to feed her now 5 kids (it used to be 6 but of them one died) so every pay day she goes to the market to buy the food, the money she gives to her husband (who won’t work) he spends on prositutes.. This lady is beautiful!! Really beautiful, how any man could choose a prostitute over her I don’t know. What really amazes me is that every day she smiles.. She smiles and she laughs.. She doesn’t tell us this story to make us feel sorry for her, this is just her life.. I swear that I will never take for granted again the ability to make choices for myself, for my life, for my happiness.. It’s so cliché but honestly it’s really easy to be inspired by the people here… This is not the saddest story I’ve heard in Sudan, everyone has sad stories, for all of them life has not been easy, but it’s sad for me because this lady is my friend and the thought of the misery that must sometimes engulf her, engulfs me and I think about it and dream about it for days..

So, on a lighter note, whilst planning the national staff Christmas party we simultaneously plan our Christmas Day and the activities in the hospital… Some of us plan on buying little presents in the market and playing Santa in the hospital on Christmas morning, I think it’ll be great.. As for our Christmas celebrations at the compound we’ll repeat many of our thanksgiving dishes and we’ve all been stockpiling nice wine, nice liqueur, the frenchies have had foie gras sent to them – it should be great… For New Years I think we’re having a 70’s party – some of the get up in the market is perfect for this…

After next week I will compete (with just 2 days difference) for being the longest standing person in the mission… We’ve said many goodbye’s, another two just this week! To think that I am almost the longest standing though feels a bit crazy.. Time does funny things here, you can never really be sure of it….

Jambo.....

Jambo (Kiswahili for hello)

So I’m back from Zanzibar, it was a great great trip.. I think it should be the mandatory location for anyone going on R&R… On my own for the whole time I probably would have ended up a bit bored so I’m really grateful that Rupa came with me…

We had a night out in Juba on our way out, with one of the logs who works in another project in South Sudan that has just closed.. He’s super great so it was a nice start to the holiday.. The next day we flew and Rupa and I spent a night in Dar Es Salaam.. The city isn’t suppose to be all that safe and we didn’t get in til night, so reluctant to venture too far from our hotel we found the nearest place to us for something to eat and drink and this was the casino.. It was really funny as we ended up playing blackjack til like 3am in the morning, walking away richer than when we arrived.. Never before have I gambled so it was a fun experience – definitely a jump from Sudan…

After that I went to Stone Town and Rupa on safari and then we met back up in Stone Town and went to a beach on the east coast..

Stone town is great.. There is a big mix of Arabic and Indian in the culture, architecture and people that are there so it makes for some really beautiful things to look at. This coupled with the fact that a beautiful blue ocean runs along the side and REAL restaurants means it would have been very hard to not find the place enjoyable… I booked a really nice place to stay in as well, that served real coffee and a great breakfast on the roof top terrace where you can look out over the city…

On the east coast we stayed in a place called Matemwe… We ate, drank, slept, read.. It was perfect.. We hired some local guys to take us out on their boat one day and went fishing, something else I hadn’t done in years… There’s a private island not far from where we were so after half a hour on a very very bumpy road we got in their boat, went swimming near this island, which I am sure had the clearest, bluest, most transparent water I’ve ever seen…

So, that was Zanzibar.. Had another night in Juba with some of the team their on the way back and now I’m well and truly back at work… We’ve a new Field Co, a new Hospital Manager and a new Log Referent on the way.. Which means with all the heads of departments I’m the only one who has been here for any length of time.. It’s good though. Nice to come back to people with fresh energy and ideas.. The new Field Co seems super experienced so I think she’ll be great, especially as we approach the referendum…

It’ so strange to me that barely anybody we met has any idea about this event.. It seems the media hasn’t really been picking up on it… Which is good for me as you’ll all be less worried with the ‘scare stories’ I’m sure they’d be sharing, but bad at the same time.. This will be a defining moment for this country, one way or the other and I can’t believe, especially after Darfur that no one knows what’s about to take place.. For those that are interested there is an article that George Clooney and another guy published after their recent visit.. I’m sure you can google it.. No freaking out though, Abyeui is not Aweil. The context is completely different as is the location!

I’m happy to be back.. There’s still lots to do but coming back to what I honestly describe as home, was nice… It was nice to see the team, a few people were particularly excited to see us which was cool… And the National Staff too.. 2 of the cleaners came running over to give me a huge hug along with a few other people so it was really great…

The team has really changed, quite a lot since I arrived and there will be a few more changes in the next month and then pretty much stability til I leave, which inshalla will be early Feb…. There are a group of us going at the same time so we’re hoping to do Gorilla trekking in Uganda before some of us head back to Paris for debriefing… It would be blissful…

The hospital is a little less busy which is great.. The peak season for malnutrition is decreasing, well it’s suppose to be, as should be malaria, though this isn’t down as much as we’d hope.. We’re struggling to find the medical staff that we need but we keep soldiering on and do the best that we can.. We start construction in the hospital to extend some of the wards so this is good, I think it’s been planned for a little while so it’s nice to see these things come to fruition…

I feel more and more bonded with the staff as the days go on.. Some of the people here I’ll really miss when I leave, it’s a great way to feel, despite knowing it will one day lead to great sadness and many tears.. Such is the life of MSF I guess…

I miss everyone at home a little this week.. I think it’s probably being snapped back to a different reality and realizing it would be nice to do this with my friends and family as well… But it’s not so far away and I’ll be doing this again, then probably wishing I was back here… Ah we are funny beings – me at least anyway….

For this entry it’s all… So til next time, smile!!!!

Danii has a crush

Not just on Sudan….!

Although it wouldn’t be hard with the sky here of an evening and of a night.. Last night, or should I say this morning I walked to my tukul, generator off, lights off with only the moon lighting my way…

These moments are a nice break from what has been a busy and hard couple of weeks…

We talk about security; what are the likely outcomes and possibilities before and after the referendum.. What does this mean for us.. Will the country break into war, what does it mean for the project… For me I ask my staff what they want, what they think will happen.. Sometimes I hold back tears, not because their answers are unexpected but just because, well it is sad…

George Clooney paid a visit to Juba, he’s trying to bring international attention to Sudan and the pending referendum date.. Rumour had it he’d be in Aweil, no such luck.. Looks like he just missed his chance with me, I’m sure he’ll be very upset….

We also talk HR.. A LOT!!! It’s not fun for me at the moment actually, not that the issues are fun for the medical staff but I’m the one hearing it from every department.. We’ve a lot of resignations at the moment, a lot of contracts ending and this coincided with reviewing our HR needs makes for annoyed and tired expats, frustrated at not having the staff we need, sometimes not being able to find the staff we need, not getting the answers that they want when they want them.. Such is life I guess, I think we all try to do the best we can do but some days it’s just not enough… I had a big cry last week, the biggest since I’ve been here.. It felt good though….

The week ahead will see more progress and a much needed holiday for me.. Me and Doctor Rupa are heading to Zanzibar… Woo hooo!! We fly into Dar Es Salaam, spend a night there then Rupa heads off on safari for 2 nights and I go to Zanzibar.. I’m staying at the coffee house hotel in Stone Town for 2 nights in a suite… Luxury, luxury!! Double bed, toilets…. Rupa comes after 2 nights and we head to the east coast for 3 nights on the beach. Eating, walking, sleeping, reading.. Oh I can’t wait… We spend the last night in the nicest hotel in Dar Es Salaam with an asian fusion restaurant and a highly regarded rooftop bar….

I haven’t talked much about the program we have here.. So I’ll give you a little introduction.. We work in Aweil Civil Hospital.. The MoH (Ministry of Health) works in one section and MSF in the other.. We’re doing the pediatric and maternal care.. With our 250 odd staff we operate an Outpatient department where sick kids are checked out, an In Patient Department where the sick kids are hospitalised (sometimes from OPD sometimes from somewhere else).. This includes kids with tetnus, premature and low birth weight babies, an intensive care unit and then just generally sick kids who need to be hospitalized.. It’s both amazing and sad to see.. We also run ANC, ante natal care for all the Mumma’s to come to leading up to their pregnancy and a maternity department where they can come to give birth… And as you know from my experience we run an operating theatre…

I had my second experience in there the other week.. There was a pregnant lady who came in.. Her family had been burning the crops and the fire got out of control, to stay away from it she climbed up a tree but then fell out of the tree into the fire.. She was burned in over 60 percent of her body and lost her baby.. In the end she died, but not before I shared the experience of changing the dressings on this lady with the medical team.. Literally from her legs down, her face, all of her arms.. She came into the OT looking like a Mummy… We removed every piece of cloth, cleaned her skin and then put new dressings back on her.. She died last week… It’s amazing how quickly life can change. One week a husband thinks he’ll be bringing a baby into the world with his wife and the next week the baby is lost and so is the to be mother.. Days like this I’m not sure about justice or fairness or life…

This is something we contemplate last night, or should I say this morning… After partying and dancing and singing and grooving… I’m discussing colleague the notion of wisdom.. Where does it come from, what is it, is it ever fully achieved.. This follows my conversation with one of the logs about time and it’s impacts… I love this… Philosophizing about something to which we’ll never know the answer.. Talking to people about the real things in life whilst we sit under the stars in Sudan drinking vodka, laughing…

It’s a good reminder after a hard week.. A good reminder of what we’re doing, of why I’m tired of what we’re fighting for…. Reminded that it is out there, something eternal and beautiful and honest. The only separation is time and that for the moment is filled with other beautiful experiences to make a happy life and a very very content Danii…..

(a bit more than) A week in the life of the Admin... part 2

Wednesday:
6.45am – alarm goes off.. Snooze, snooze.. Teeth brushing, face washing, breakfast.. Tea, and another cup of tea for the road.

7.45am – in the office.. Frustrated by the mistakes one of my assistants has made with the payslips.. I’m tired of having to follow every detail, it reminds of the saying – if you want something done properly, do it yourself.. But there’s too much to do yourself here..
I listen to one of the logs whine at the processes and not being able to get money from me… God it’s not even 8.30.. I want to scream…

8.30am – morning meeting.. I hold back tears when it comes to my update, blurt out a few words and sit there feeling overwhelmed at all that is to be done and at South Sudan in general today…

9.15am – talk to the super log from Paris about security and processes for 15 minutes before they’re off to catch the plane. We race to the car and do a quick drive by of the bank before returning to base and saying au réviour, nice to meet you, see you in Paris for debriefing next year..

10am – sit in the office and try to plan my day.. Add to my to do list. Send emails, type letters and communication to the National Staff.. Respond to the logs via a typed letter, confirming the status of all their pending issues.. This makes me feel a little better..
Talk to my assistant about expectations and then say goodbye – he’ll return back to his plan of holidays and they’ll just be two of us in the office for the next 2 weeks.. It’s harvesting time in Sudan!

1.30pm – take 20 minutes for lunch and a few pieces of chocolate… Ah, heaven!!

1.50pm – back to the office. Prepare for the pending disciplinary meetings, where one of the people will refuse to sign their warning after a long and tiring conversation..

6.30pm – walk back to the compound, pour myself (or is that poor myself) a white cask wine, into our stainless steel coffee mugs and walk back to the compound! I’m tired today…

7.30pm – wine or no wine, my brain’s had enough.. Turn off the computer and close up the office.. I arrive back in my compound to fresh flowers in a makeshift vase (water bottle, with shells inside).. What a way to cheer me up after a shitty, shitty day.. One of the logs keeps doing this.. Every few days there is some new flower in my room. I think it’s his hobby, finding new flowers for me.. I’m glad.. I like it. He’s leaving soon and I’ll miss this…

Thursday:
7am – a few stretches, breakfast, coffee.. The best start to the day that one could ask for.. Translated through one of the cooks, one of the cleaners, and one of my favorite ladies, tells me that I’m her friend, that she loves me and that she doesn’t want me to go back to my country.. Ever… I need to hear this after yesterday…

8am – in the office…

Salary preparation, salary preparation!!! All day…….

By the end of the day I’m dreaming notes.. They fly over each other, they circle, in my head, note after note after note!!!

Eventually we get it done… At 5.30 Mary goes home…

I go to WFP to check the flight manifest – we’ve people arriving and departing tomorrow.. Some of the boys are off to Mombasa for their R&R, oh how I wish I could fit in their suitcase…

6pm – back from WFP.. Pack my bag, print my job description and head off to do my review with Dramane before he leaves.. We enjoy a beer and dinner.. The only thing left on the menu is omlette and chips! He tells me he hasn’t eaten this since being a poor student – I don’t think I’ve ever eaten this.. Well maybe in England, with Sarah, after one of our many big nights…

9.30 – back home.. Quick chat to the boys, they’re sitting up listening to music and quietly drinking, preparation for their well deserved holiday.. They can see how tired I am though so they let me sneak off.. Cup of tea, book, sleep!!!

I don’t dream tonight..

Friday:
Salary payment day.. Though I’m in the office all day so it’s a good chance to actually get work done (in between helping Mary to get everyone outside and line up one at a time for collection)… We’re trying a new process today.. I’m not sure if it’s working – I hope so.

We go for lunch – she’s done a good job and had a busy morning so she more than deserves it.. The Field Co will leave on Friday so we invite him.. We all share chicken in a soup/gravy with rice, some sort of greens and a bit of chapatti.. The chapatti’s here are great…

The afternoon goes smoothly.. By 6pm I’m ready for a beer.. Just a few emails to get through..

The Friday night meeting is a treat – NOT.. We’ve had a new pharmacist who’s arrived, as well as the MedCo to replace the Field Co til we get the permanent replacement.. I think the pharmacist must wonder what she’s gotten herself into. The whole meeting is mostly taken up by HR and I get to be the bad guy.. They’ve recruited way to many people here, before me, and now they can’t replace them as their contracts end.. It’s a bone of contention to say the least.. The meeting doesn’t go too badly but 2 people end up in tears, either during or after and everyone is frustrated by the process.. I’m frustrated with people going over my head to try and get a different answer so I’m firm – just like the Field Co wants me to be.. He shakes my hand at the end.. Happy that before he leaves he see’s me being strong and taking my proper place in the team with it’s associated responsibility…

(a bit more than) A week in the life of the Admin….. part 1

Friday to Tuesday:

Let me recap, briefly
Friday – After weeks of spending too much time in the office, today I part play log. Due to the flooding there are IDP’s (internally displaced people), some of which have been moved by the Government to a new location. No water, no food, no latrines and about 8km out of town – via a very messy road that even our land cruisers got stuck in. On Thursday the logs take a tank and the first lot of water. Today, I go back and we fill up the tank with water, we asses how many new people have arrived and we asses what they’ve eaten.. Sugarcane.. I have a play at watsan, run the water from the pick up to the tank via a little machine… It’s good – today I feel like an aid worker.. I came here to help and the physical act of doing something feels more constructive than the weeks I’ve been in the office dealing with Admin and HR.. I know that it’s all important but today it’s just what I need. To be with the people and to smile at the kids whilst they stare at the kawaja’s and run from us as we threaten to get them with water.

Saturday – At 5pm I rush out of the office, put on the local Sudanese football jersey, attract much too much attention on our way to the stadium and I play football with some of the expats and the national staff.. The Dinka’s are tall and they are fast. My first tackle is with a French guy and a Dinka and I end up on the ground.. Hmmm, this isn’t like playing with the girls at home.. I get laughed at, stared at and encouraged (although this a little less often).. I feel like I’m breaking every single social norm that exists within this culture by doing something that is, to me, completely normal.. I play a terrible game of football as I’m so self conscious (and frightened of getting hammered) that I can’t get out of my head.. It’s still fun.. We get some great picture and we start developing a better relationship with the National Staff here.. This is the point and I think it’s working.. One big tick for the day…
At 11pm I go to bed.. everyone stays up partying, the music gets louder and at 12.15 I decide I’m not going to sleep so I get back up and join the party.. We dance, we sing.. We find some sort of colorful streamers and coat ourselves with this and with toilet paper, laughing, yelling at the DJ, tonight is one of the best parties we’ve had.. We’re all happy, most of us are here.. Life is good..

Monday - There is a grenade let off by someone in Akuem. At 4.30am the Dr’s on call have to go into the hospital, we discuss over breakfast what’s happened. A fight breaks out during a traditional initiation ceremony, one person who’s not initiated starts be taunted by the men that are, his response ends in 20 odd people having to be admitted to the hospital. We discuss this in our morning management meeting and confirm that it’s a grenade, not a gun that he’s used.. The OT is busy today with all the cases that have come in.. Somewhere between 3-5 people have died, the numbers aren’t confirmed.. I discuss this with my team, apparently initiation isn’t legal here anymore but some of the people still do it.. If you don’t have it other men, and even worse – your wife, can call you a boy..

Akuem is about 45 minutes from us, MSF used to have a project here but left back in 2007 I think… I’m reminded that we’re in Sudan.. At home a fight is a fight, usually with 2 fists.. Here after so many years of war and access to weaponary it ends up with a bunch of people hurt and a few people dead… Such a waste…

Sunday is funday...

My Sunday is not so hard here today… I’m typing my blog outside in the compound, the sun is shining and I’ve a bell in hand.. This is one of the Ugandan beers we enjoy here.. I’ve done a little bit of work this morning, typing up some proposals to send to the Coordination team to justify some changes we want to make here in the field..

Drinking a beer in the sun though kind of feels like I’m holidays so it’s not so bad at all..

I spent last weekend in Juba, the capital of South Sudan.. I went there for a few days break and I was well looked after.. The ladies let me pick whatever I wanted in the supermarket.. Cheese, olives, REAL red wine and salami… It was a nice treat, blissful actually.. I did a bit of work on Friday and then just read, slept, ate and on Sunday afternoon went to the swimming pool for some much needed water.. It’s funny being in a place so hot and not being able to get in the ocean – very different to being home..

This afternoon the plan is for a nap, followed by a game of volleyball.. It’s not all fun but Sundays everyone generally relaxes and takes time out which is much needed after a week of hard work.. We had the end of Ramadan here this week, confusion with the public holiday made me giggle. The way things are organized and the way things work is so different to at home. I think I’ve become more flexible, it’s impossible to plan for everything in a county like this and half the time I see beauty in this, half the time I’m just plain frustrated..

It’s hard to know what to write at the moment as life seems to be continuing nicely, although time goes fast..

Perhaps work.. So I’m responsible for all the HR management, well with my team which consists of another 2. We have about 260 National staff that work across the hospital, logistics (drivers, labourers, storekeepers, builders etc.) and administration.. In my team there is me, 1 Finance Assistant and 1 HR Assistant, hence we’re always busy.. Given the history of Sudan there aren’t a huge number of trained medical people, Medical Assistant’s and Nurses are a constant struggle to engage and retain and this makes for a lot of HR issues for the hospital and for me.. Along with recruitment and discipline the other HR things we deal with are the labour law and making sure we are following this across everything to do with recruiting staff, paying them, settling them when they resign or are dismissed… The other thing I deal with is money.. Paying the staff, working with the logs on costs for construction, purchases etc. etc, trips to pick up Plumpy Nut (a food from Unicef we use to feed malnourished children), managing the money that comes in and out of the project, being across the budget, making sure everything is recorded properly, making sure we’re spending the right amount on the right items… It’s all a new challenge for me, though and I have pretty good working relationships with most of the people here so that really helps…

It’s my first time managing a team and being a Head of Department where you’re involved in much of the decision making but I really like it.. I think the best part about my role is that you have a good understanding for what’s happening across the whole project, this is something I really like.. That and the fact that I get to have contact with lots of the staff. Sometimes there’s to much problem solving with the issues they are facing but really, it’s good to get to know a large number or the people and understand the difficulties that they are facing and what their life has been like..

There’s been many changes in the coordination team and given the up and coming referendum there’s the need to have some consistency and make decisions about the team that will be here during this period – which no doubt will be a defining moment in history for both the Sudanese and possibly the broader African community.. Given this, last week I decided to extend my mission.. The HR Coordinator in the capital will leave beforehand and not only do I think that it will be useful for the project to have consistency during this time but I also think it will be politically very interesting… I also want to have the opportunity to see some of the change we are making in the project, especially in my department – it’s good to see the rewards and experience them after initiating some of this..

So, I’m likely to be here until February now.. Given how quickly the last months have gone I think I’ll be fine.. I’ve got a week long break between now and then that will either be spent somewhere with Grambi at the end of her Africa trip or in Zanzibar laying on the beach and eating sushi.. Yes, I’m all about the food and the ocean at the moment…

I think about life back home and I miss you all often, but it’s nice to feel fully content with life and with what I’m doing.. I think life on mission and my expectations (of Sudan particularly) are different to the reality but not in a bad way.. I’m happy here. We have the most amazing sky. Nearly every evening the sunsets are beautiful. The sky fills with pinks and blues and purples. Every night I brush my teeth under the stars and looking at the milky way, something I never get to experience at home. My day is filled talking to people and slowly getting to understand a different culture and a different way of life.. Not only with the national staff but with the expats who come from all around the globe.. If anything this mission has confirmed more to me that we’re all pretty much the same, minus a few minor and unimportant differences..

Dressed in green

I’m in green plastic shoes. They have a large 38 printed in black marker, along with three letters MAT. My shoes are matched by my outfit. Long green pants that start high around my waist, they cut in a little from all the beer that we’ve been drinking and all the carbs we continue to eat. This is also supported by a loose long sleeved green top, a piece of white cotton material tied around my hair and a mask covering my face.. No this isn’t a new fashion that I’m trying here in Sudan, I’m in scrubs, sitting in the Operating Theatre, waiting for my first operating experience – well for which I’ll not be sedated… More exciting than this, I’m about to experience the joys of life being brought into the world, for the first time…

I feel nervous about how I’ll react to the blood.. I move from my seat on the side of the room, to stand behind the Mumma who’s been injected so that she’s numb for the most part of her body, I look over the material and semi-circle that prevents her from seeing 2 people cutting open her stomach – and surprisingly I don’t faint.. The noise of the cutting is a little disconcerting at times, I look and look away and look and look away.. The Nurse and the Obstetrician/Gynecologist focus hard, cutting along careful lines, taking out the scar from a pervious caesarian. Too quickly to believe this baby comes out from the stomach, is caught by one of the midwives, the umbilical cord is cut, she’s put on a warm machine and moments later she’s all wrapped up and in my arms.. I manage to hold back tears, how I’m not sure, this really is a beautiful moment..

This was my Sunday afternoon.. On the way to lunch we shared our car with some of the team going to the hospital, and after saying only the day before how I wanted to see a birth I was lucky enough that the team got called in so I jumped ship from the Ethiopian restaurant and decided that the caesarian, which would probably turn me off my lunch for days, was a better option… I ended up being in for a real treat as there were 2 caesarians. The second was a little boy.. At first I wasn’t sure he was going to make it.. His Mum had been in labour for 2 days before she came to the hospital and over in maternity she was having problems pushing him out. She’d had one birth before but the baby didn’t survive.. The heart rate of this baby started dropping, you can tell from this little machine you put on the tummy and you can hear the heart beating. So it was decided she’d go to the OT too.. This baby was harder to get out.. I was slightly more inquisitive as to the operating process as well – feeling more ballsy after not faiting the first time, I was looking a little more at what the gynecologist/obstetrician was doing with the Nurse, cutting here, pulling there, holding down this, pulling out the baby who was a little stuck.. It’s crazy, that all of a sudden this little person pops out.. He wasn’t breathing so well at first but after perseverance from the lovely Akira, with rubbing him and some oxygen he came good.. This time the Mum was more alert, I guess the drugs effect everyone differently.. She just wanted to see her bubba, so whilst they stitched her up I held the baby on a little seat not too far from her head and she smiled at the new life she had brought into the world..

Seeing all of this I feel like I’m alive. I feel like I’m seeing the best part of humanity.. The strongest and truest emotions that everyone should have the chance to experience.. Watching the joy on the ladies face and the happiness that was apart of her mother, really is something special. I feel I’ve been apart of a life changing experience, without using any words, we’ve crossed languages. I expected to feel as though I was intruding, an unwanted visitor to a private experience in a closed circle, in reality I don’t feel like this at all. The women here are beautiful..

My favourite day in Aweil

Monday 23rd August, 2010

So yesterday I think I had my most favorite day in Aweil....

My first full day off, yes after nearly 6 weeks it was much appreciated....

I slept til 11, had coffee, breakfast and followed this with a really great bikeride out of the main town along the railroad tracks... My least favorite part, that will however no doubt get the most laughs was my way back.. I spotted the street we had turned and whilst trying to turn around, slightly after the street, with a donkey on one side of the road and a horse on the other I fell...

I definitely blame the donkey.. I was worried I was too close and that would bite me, hence I fell completely off my bike - although I'm sure that the stupid 'kawaja' (white person in Dinka) provided much amusement to the locals.. Normally they laugh at the tiniest silliest things anyone does but most of them just said sorry!!

With slightly damaged pride (lucky only one of the expats was with me) I got back up and finished the little ride left to the compound... Seriously, at 24 who can't ride a bike????

It was a good laugh at least...

The bike ride was followed by an afternoon of laying in the sun reading my book, which was then followed by a game of volleyball (yes we have a volleyball court in one of our compounds) and then an Ethiopian restaurant for dinner.. It was the first dinner I had had out since my arrival and was amazing!!

Most days are not always so restful but there is - 99% of the time - at least one point in the day where I am amazed by where I am... The people here are really beautiful.. They are really friendly, smile at you a lot and most of the time wave..

I've learnt that the smile is universal.. A wave goes a long way... Bad attempts at either Dinka or Arabic are greatly appreciated and that you can make friends and beautiful bonds with people with whom you don't even share the same languauge.. Humans have this great way of understanding each other beyond words - when the situation arises that is...

The work is slowly starting to get a bit easier.. Probably because I understand what I'm doing more and I'm getting used to the way of working... I don't think anything of life in Australia could have taught me what I need to know here - patience, patience and more patience... It's very rewarding at the same time though... Especially walking through the hospital and seeing the work that MSF do here.. I take my hat off to the Dr's and Nurse's, whom every day are dealing with death.. Most of the time due to illness and sickness that wouldn't result in such tragedy if we where at home with the access to medical practice and care we are all so used to...

My tukul has turned into my little sanctuary.. I bought cloth and a few bits and pieces to decorate it.. Though most nights after work are spent under the mango tree that is the middle of our compound drinking a beer or two, playing cards, listening to music and just enjoying each other's company... It's the most theraputic and enjoyable way to end even the hardest of days...

The food is good... Well it's fairly repetative - beans, rice, pasta, fresh tomatoes and cucumber when we're lucky.. Beans, beans, rice, pasta - oh did I mention that already?? We have meat most days as well, although some days I'm more game to try then others... The chicken here is amazing - though very expensive - especially when usually there is 20 or more of us to feed, so it's a bit more of a rarity...

We've got a few of the expats who are good enough to get in the kitchen.. Last week we had one fairwell for which we made homemade pasta and one birthday for which we made homemade pizza as some of the ladies had been on R&R in Ethiopia and brought back some cheese...

Amazingly though I'm putting on weight.. All the carbs and beer...!! It's the enjoyment of my day though...

Volleyball is usually a weekly ritual and I have managed to have one game of soccer with the locals and some of the expats at the square in town.. I aim for this more often but unfortunately the days seem to get hijacked - although I still find myself wondering what I actually get done... My role should be called problem solver - not administrator!!

I miss everyone at home but I definitely feel that I've made the right decision.. It feels almost as if it's been too easy to adjust, I don't know if this is because I'm on the right track or if it's because it's all so much easier than the little "Welcome to South Sudan" booklet made me expect...

I guess the team and the people that are here all help...

I'm looking forward to my holidays already, the time feels like I've been here for ages but simultaneously not as long as reality tells me.. There have been quite a few people come and go, and given the size of the expat team here I think this is a fairly usual occurance..

What else can I tell.. The showers, the showers are amazing, nice and big, although on a cold morning it's definitely not how you want to wake up.. although we've running water it's not warm so out of a cold tukul, perhaps post storm (the storms are crazy here during the rainy season - I'm surprised that as many tukuls that are left standing are) the water is a wee bit cold... The toilets are drop toilets - something I'm slowly getting used to but very clean...

The sunsets are beautiful as is the sky each night when the generator goes out and you can see star after star.. The moon has it's nights as well - tonight is definitely one of them...

All in all, life in Aweil is not so bad.. South Sudan is much better than I expected and I find myself in a really content state of happiness that I appreciate much more than I thought possible...

I'm not sure if I believe that I'm changing the world, but I do think that as a team here the work we are doing is much needed and for the most part much appreciated...

Let's hope that the next 4 months are as positive...

Much love, hugs, kisses and happiness

xxxxx

PS - some pictures for your enjoyment...