When it comes to love, I'm not one of these people that does things in halves.. For me you're in or your out.. Yes sometimes this means I am incredibly impulsive, it means I make poor decisions and disregard all sensibility coming from the right side of my brain, it means passing my happiness for someone else's, or biting my tongue when I really want to scream, it means forgetting for a while the lessons I've learnt from the mistakes I've made before, dropping everything I've dreamed of, for someone who has not been in my life long enough to be worthy of such a privilege, but this is me - flawed!! I wouldn't change it though, I would hate a life without such intense feelings, such intense moments.
I'm finding though, that as I continue on this new found path, this part of me changes. It used to be a problem as it lead to poor choices with boyfriends, or poor choices because of boyfriends, or poor choices about boyfriends (I think you get my point). Whilst now, (hopefully with more sensibility) the problem with this is, that I find it so hard to let go of all that I've left behind...
It's so illogical because this is now, a regular, conscious decision that I make. Ok, maybe not the first time I moved overseas but now, each time I go on mission, I know what's going to happen. When I go home something will have changed. It's only the small things and it's not the same each time, but there is always something... Maybe new people I don't know in the mix, in the conversation, new relationships, different relationships.. I've missed out on silly moments, or dinners and Christmases and babies and engagement and weddings... And whilst it's always there to come back to, and whilst everyone wants to tell you that nothing really changes and that those that you love will be there, sometimes it's not the case, sometimes the underlying things just become different. It's subtle, it's unintentional, but time has come and it's changed it.. And whilst that time has brought so many beautiful and amazing things, for the part of your life you want to wrap and on which you want to hit pause, you can't. Your comfort in knowing it's all the same is not there anymore. Part of the world has changed.
Maybe it's a product of time, of distance, of growing older, of growing up... I guess it's just a product of life, and who knows, maybe those things would change even if you lived your life exactly as you did before. By the side of your friends, your family, spending weekends together, being apart of the things that you don't want to give up, that you don't want to miss out on...
For many many months now, I've been reading this book by Osho, it's a spiritual book about love, happiness, aloneness etc. He, like so many other spiritual teachers, talks of our aloneness in the world. He differentiates between aloneness and loneliness and for him, aloneless is wonderful. Only by being non-dependent can we find the way to true enlightenment and happiness. And I get it, I do. I've been in bad relationships that you don't want to leave because you're dependent on the other person, but what about the other relationships, what about the family and the friendships that shape you into who you are. This big part of me, the part that loves in the full and hates the thought of any sort of change to some of my most fundamental relationships, just really hates the thought of this... I hate the thought that the people that you love so much aren't to be in your life for ever, that with time things change, relationships change and people move on, or know you less, or drift in another direction or are distracted and taken by time..
So, even as someone who embraces change as though it is the breathe of life, I must say, as I'm starting to believe that there is truth in it, I can't stand the thought that when it comes to the people we love, that the teachers are right, that nothing is permanent, that despite standing together we stand firstly alone and that even for those we cherish the most that one day "this too shall pass" ............
I'm finding though, that as I continue on this new found path, this part of me changes. It used to be a problem as it lead to poor choices with boyfriends, or poor choices because of boyfriends, or poor choices about boyfriends (I think you get my point). Whilst now, (hopefully with more sensibility) the problem with this is, that I find it so hard to let go of all that I've left behind...
It's so illogical because this is now, a regular, conscious decision that I make. Ok, maybe not the first time I moved overseas but now, each time I go on mission, I know what's going to happen. When I go home something will have changed. It's only the small things and it's not the same each time, but there is always something... Maybe new people I don't know in the mix, in the conversation, new relationships, different relationships.. I've missed out on silly moments, or dinners and Christmases and babies and engagement and weddings... And whilst it's always there to come back to, and whilst everyone wants to tell you that nothing really changes and that those that you love will be there, sometimes it's not the case, sometimes the underlying things just become different. It's subtle, it's unintentional, but time has come and it's changed it.. And whilst that time has brought so many beautiful and amazing things, for the part of your life you want to wrap and on which you want to hit pause, you can't. Your comfort in knowing it's all the same is not there anymore. Part of the world has changed.
Maybe it's a product of time, of distance, of growing older, of growing up... I guess it's just a product of life, and who knows, maybe those things would change even if you lived your life exactly as you did before. By the side of your friends, your family, spending weekends together, being apart of the things that you don't want to give up, that you don't want to miss out on...
For many many months now, I've been reading this book by Osho, it's a spiritual book about love, happiness, aloneness etc. He, like so many other spiritual teachers, talks of our aloneness in the world. He differentiates between aloneness and loneliness and for him, aloneless is wonderful. Only by being non-dependent can we find the way to true enlightenment and happiness. And I get it, I do. I've been in bad relationships that you don't want to leave because you're dependent on the other person, but what about the other relationships, what about the family and the friendships that shape you into who you are. This big part of me, the part that loves in the full and hates the thought of any sort of change to some of my most fundamental relationships, just really hates the thought of this... I hate the thought that the people that you love so much aren't to be in your life for ever, that with time things change, relationships change and people move on, or know you less, or drift in another direction or are distracted and taken by time..
So, even as someone who embraces change as though it is the breathe of life, I must say, as I'm starting to believe that there is truth in it, I can't stand the thought that when it comes to the people we love, that the teachers are right, that nothing is permanent, that despite standing together we stand firstly alone and that even for those we cherish the most that one day "this too shall pass" ............
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